What even is a bygone?
And how do you let it be
When I think about writing, I typically think in terms of before and after.
When my writing used to be primarily letters to Jesus, but then I didn’t want to write letters to Jesus like that anymore.
When my writing used to be about the painful things that I was going through and feeling like my world was spinning, but then it began to hurt a little less, and I felt like I could stand again without constantly processing for all to hear.
Writing has always been a way for me to process my inner feelings, which might be why it’s hard to think about what to write when I know someone else will be reading it.
I have this feeling that I want to be writing more, but then nothing feels like the *right thing* to say.
So, I’ve decided to write for 20 minutes today and see what happens. No befores or afters, no trying to fit what I have to say in a box. Just writing whatever comes out.
Speaking of the before and after, I woke up thinking about that saying, Let bygones be bygones. Probably because I was considering archiving all of the old, sad posts on here and starting fresh. I have noticed how difficult it feels when you’ve been through something traumatic. You feel like it becomes a part of your identity, and it’s hard to untangle yourself from it. At least that’s how it feels for me, but I also find it really important to keep looking ahead so I don’t stay stuck in that same emotional space.
So now, I find myself sitting down to write, feeling drawn back into that space, but also the pull to let bygones be bygones. I don’t need to keep rehashing the pain now because I am safe with myself in this moment. I don’t need to find my identity in the painful things I experienced. I have shared those events with others and fully acknowledged them for myself, and there are other things I want to allow myself to enjoy and experience in life.
I can stay stuck in my head about what to write, or I can allow the practice of stepping forward a little at a time to help pull me along. Isn’t that all we really have, our willingness to keep putting one foot in front of another and walking squarely away from the things that we actually thought would destroy us?
I could spend (and have spent) my days in bed wondering how to move forward. Or I can try to do the things I want to do, letting the painful events of the past and even my past identities rest where they are on my path. I don’t have to bring everything with me, even though I tend to be someone who likes to pack it all up and bring it along for the journey. At this point in life, it’s beginning to feel like a lot to keep unpacking each time.
In fact, it’s proving to be too much.
I can see where bygones want us to bring them along as reminders of how to stay safe. Or, to ensure that they continue to be seen. Past pains, especially the big ones, keep looking for ways to be seen. But they are never really satisfied, I’ve found. They can keep us trapped while they try to find a new way to tell the story. And we think that maybe this time they’ll be able to rest.
But they don’t rest until we decide to set them down and start walking in the direction of the other dreams and desires we have.
And it’s okay to do that. That’s all I have for today.
So good! A great reminder to say goodbye to bygones.